If wishes were fishes
by Mazmaraz
Summary: AU Schoolfic 21, 34, 5Sally, R1, H2. shounen ai. What do you do when your childhood friends start pairing up. Duo's contemplation.
1. If

Disclaimer: Don't own Gundam Wing.  
  
Crows are damn cool birds.  
  
Did you know you can teach them to talk.  
  
Just like parrots.  
  
I couldn't get myself a crow, so I got a parrot instead.  
  
But it's a damn cool parrot.  
  
He's called Deathscythe Hell, he tells me 'Shinigami rulz', and uses my braid, which comes down past my arse, as a climbing rope.  
  
It also calls me idiot.  
  
Too much exposure to a certain perfect bastard, who happens to be my best friend.  
  
I love my parrot.  
  
It's the only thing known to man kind that can cause more than a slight expression on said perfect bastards face.  
  
I've seen him smirk, frown, cringe, incredulous, angry, even smile. But only once, have I heard him laugh.  
  
And that's because my beloved parrot called me an idiot.  
  
Heero Yuy, that's his name.  
  
Perfect bastard. He gets bloody straight A's and is still amongst the elite sports members of the school.  
  
He's rather damned smug about it too.  
  
A lot of people question me as to how I manage to become friends with him.  
  
It had a lot to do with a certain extracurricular class we were shoved into in about year 7, and an assignment that required us to spend nearly every afternoon together for three weeks.  
  
That class led to the formation of our group.  
  
Me, Heero, Quatra, Trowa, Wu fei, Sally, and sometimes Relena, Hilde.  
  
We just did stuff together, you know, lunch, weekends, hung around at each other's houses, saw movies together, showed up at parties together.  
  
Although lately we've been separating up a little more. Wu fei and Sally apparently have something going, and I'm pretty sure it's not just straight friendship between Quatra and Trowa anymore.  
  
Sometimes when I'm not around to save him, Heero ends up paired with Relena. It's kinda funny to see him sulk afterwards. But I've told him, you've got to actually say something if you want her to listen.   
  
But it's generally accepted that I'm with Hilde, and Heero's with Relena. Outside our circle anyway.  
  
I'm pretty sure the others know I don't like Hilde that way. Well, I know Quatra knows, but I assume the others have it figured out. We just happen to get along really well.  
  
She's an absolute riot to party with, but probably the only one of us who's really into the drinking scene. I mean, I'll have a couple, but she likes to get drunk. And she'll quite happily create drinking partners out of anyone.  
  
She's made a few attempts to get me inebriated on occasion, but only managed it once.  
  
Pity I can't remember more, I think I recall Hilde doing a strip tease, a very irritated Heero dragging my arse back to his place, a few flashes of a bathroom, then I was waking up with a splitting headache to find myself strapped so tightly into Heero's bed it's a wonder I still had circulation to my head.  
  
Apparently I like to walk around when I'm drunk.  
  
Anyway, with the end of year party coming up, a really big one since it was our second last year of school, I figured I might go with someone I was actually interested in.  
  
That idea was put on hold about an hour after I thought of it due to the occurrence of the strangest thing I've seen Heero do the entire time I've known him.  
  
He came pelting down the main hallway skidding to a stop in front of me. He grabbed me by the shoulders to keep his balance, shook me, then, slightly desperate, said.   
  
'You didn't see me.'   
  
Then turned around and locked himself in the supply closet.  
  
I was still seeing his panicked expression an inch from my nose when Relena appeared out of no where and demanded to know if I'd seen him.  
  
Now, I happen to have this thing about not lying. So I took a couple of seconds to deliberate whether I could get away with it on a technicality. I mean, I trust Heero, if he says I haven't seen him, then ... well.  
  
I eventually decided that my policy had to hold, and I couldn't very well break it now, so I told her the truth.  
  
'Of course I've seen him' I said cheerfully. A small thump issued from the cupboard as I grinned stupidly at Relena.  
  
'Oh good,' she breathed a sigh of relief 'because I've been wanting to ask him something, can you tell me where he went'  
  
She looked at me expectantly. She was going to kill me for this one.  
  
'When did he go somewhere?' Relena may be blond, but she's not stupid. Plus she's had a lot of exposure to the Maxwell sense of humour.   
  
'Just now' she said patiently, her smile gone.  
  
'Really?' I swung around to search the corridor, and oh joy of joys, when I looked back trying to pin a confused expression on my face, she was giving me a filthy look.  
  
The bell went before she could say anything else, so she narrowed her eyes and stalked off.  
  
Seconds later a hand grabbed the front of my shirt and I was pulled into the closet.  
  
Little spaces don't normally agree with me.   
  
Little spaces with Heero Yuy in them, generally get my blood going a bit more than normal.  
  
It's safe to say my smile said goodbye pretty damn quick when I found myself squeezed between a door and a rather warm body, small breaths tickling the hair around my left ear.  
  
I tend to talk a lot and joke when I'm nervous.  
  
I was having a hard time making this the exception.  
  
'Why are we spending our study period in the supply closet?' I whispered. Someone's joggers squeaked on the lino right outside the door. The hallway sounded nearly empty.  
  
'We're not' Heero replied. He reached around me to grab the door as it started to slip open.  
  
His friggen hand was on my arse!  
  
'Really?' I squeaked, 'Then where are we?'  
  
He snorted in my ear then began manoeuvring us around so he could be closer to the door.  
  
I ended with a mop in my back, one hand clutching the shelf above me, the other arm wrapped around Heero's chest so we didn't tumble out. I could feel his ribs underneath my fingers and his chest moving up and down.  
  
His pectorals flexed as he opened the door a little, letting in a slit of light. I had to bury my face in Heero's neck to stop myself from laughing as a set of high heels approached. He looked so god damned serious.  
  
I mean, well, ok, he always looks serious, but this was like, oooh, beware, there be danger about, kinda serious.  
  
As if he'd have anything to worry about. I'd be the one copping the crap for being in a supply closet during class time. All he'd have to do is deathglare the teacher and they'd be giving him a hall pass and scampering off in the other direction.  
  
I took a moment to realise how soft Heero's neck was, then realised it was Heero's neck and quickly jerked my head back up.  
  
We spent five minutes listening to ourselves breathe before Heero deemed it safe and we stepped out into the hall.  
  
Well, he stepped, I stumbled.   
  
Heero stood there for a second looking up and down the hallway. The powers of speech continued to allude me so I left the talking up to Heero.   
  
Needless to say I was quite surprised to find the school corridor is quite silent when nobody else is in it.  
  
Thinking it was better to turn up late than never, I tried to head in the direction of the classroom. Heero had other ideas though and nearly wrenched my arm out of it's socket when he grabbed it and began dragging me towards the exit.  
  
We went to my house.  
  
Did I mention that Heero Yuy loves my parrot?  
  
I always thought it was rather sweet how he sits on the end of my bed and hand feeds it sunflower seeds. He gets this almost smile, and stays there for ages just passing it the seeds one at a time.  
  
He's doing it now.  
  
It reminds me of the time when he laughed. Which sounds kinda stupid, but laughing is not something Heero Yuy does very often.  
  
He was already pretty happy that afternoon, and I was raving on like I usually do, pleased to be getting more of a response than usual. When I provided the perfect cue for him to call me 'idiot'.  
  
The bird supplied it for him.  
  
We both stared at it a little shocked, then Heero threw back his head and laughed. It was a nice sound, a bit too difficult to describe. It only lasted for a couple of seconds, but he was smiling for the rest of the afternoon which sort of turned me a bit quieter.   
  
He was already happy, I didn't need to talk.  
  
I threw myself down on the bed and poked him with the toe of my boot to get him to say something.  
  
I was opening my mouth to give him a verbal prompt when he obligingly turned around and pulled himself further up the bed. He picked up the end of my braid and started playing with it.  
  
'Relena' was all he said. Being well versed in Heero speech, this was obviously an explanation, and probably the only one I was going to get. So I was quite surprised when he prevented me from getting up off the bed and continued talking.  
  
'She wants to ask me to the dance.' As much as I liked Heero playing with my hair, I was tempted to retrieve my braid from his fingers, he was going to give me split ends if he kept pulling at it like that.  
  
As for going to the dance with Relena, well, I'd always figured he actually enjoyed spending time with her and just didn't like to admit it.  
  
I voiced this thought aloud and received a mild deathglare in return.  
  
He smoothed out the end of my braid and dropped it back on the bed.  
  
'I don't want to go to the dance with Relena.' He said softy. For a minute he looked like he was going to add something else, but then he was off the bed and at the door. He gave me an odd sort of smile then left.  
  
We only managed two days of playing avoid Relena before Quatra caught on to what we were doing and demanded he go speak to her during our afternoon basketball game.  
  
It was apparently discourteous to ignore her like that.  
  
So Wu fei took Heero's place on the court and Relena dragged a reluctant Heero across the playground to sit on the bench.  
  
I kept half an eye on them as our game continued.  
  
Heero started out cross, not even looking at Relena, who was smiling, waving her arms about and occasionally touching his arm.  
  
After shooting a 3 pointer I turned back and Heero was giving her the deathglare. I concentrated on blocking Quatra, thinking Heero would be back soon.  
  
I set up a shot for Wu fei then caught a glimpse of Heero and Relena that all of a sudden made me feel very cold.   
  
Relena was holding onto Heero's hand very possessively and he was actually looking as if he didn't mind.  
  
She was beaming down at him, laughing and looking excited.   
  
Heero said something and she put a very theatrical hand to her chest turning away slightly to take a deep breath and releasing Heero's hand to fan her face.  
  
I'm not quite sure what I was feeling when Heero put a hand on her shoulder, looking concerned.  
  
But when she tuned back to him and he smiled at her, my throat seemed to do a weird constriction, my eyes turned hot and my face felt like it had been set alight.  
  
A shout followed by a basketball in the head brought me back to the game.  
  
All of a sudden I was surrounded by people. Quatra, Trowa and Wufei were asking me if I was all right.  
  
From somewhere behind me I heard Hilde say I might have a concussion.   
  
'I didn't throw the ball that hard' Wu fei snorted.  
  
I saw Heero standing up over the top of Quatra's head and I just didn't want to be there anymore.  
  
Forcing a smile onto my face, I reassured the guys that I was ok then told them I had to leave.  
  
Before they could ask for explanations I didn't have I set out at a jog for the school gate.  
  
By the time I got there I was running. 


	2. you

I don't understand it. What was I feeling?  
  
I was acting like some sort of jealous girlfriend. What was up with that? Why all of a sudden did Relena acting like she normally did make me feel so....so confused, so hurt, so.... whatever this feeling was.  
  
Heero's reaction danced teasingly across the back of my head. He was smiling at her, why was he smiling at her? He barely smiles for me. Why did I care he was smiling for her? He'd probably paired up with her to go places tonnes of times, just like I paired up with Hilde, it wasn't supposed to mean anything.  
  
My reaction indicated it clearly meant something now, but why? What for? It just didn't make any damn sense.  
  
Then it hit me.  
  
He'd lied.  
  
Heero'd lied to me.  
  
NO, I'm not a complete idiot. I do realise that just because I decide not to lie to anyone, doesn't mean they're not going to lie to me. Though it hurts a little if they do. But this one hurt a lot, obviously, I've already told you all that. It hurt more than I expected it would.  
  
Him going out with Relena.  
  
It hurt because I'd expected it, always thought it would happen, an inevitable conclusion that he'd told me wouldn't happen, then gone ahead and shown me it was true.  
  
Two nights ago, in my room, just before he got up and left. Heero Yuy had told me he didn't want to go to the dance with Relena. He'd said it like he'd sincerely meant it, like he didn't give a rats arse that she might have to turn up with a gerbil because he wouldn't go with her. Like he already had someone that he really liked lined up to be asked instead.   
  
Wow, I'm reading a lot into a very small sentence.  
  
That had to be it though, that had to be why my chest all of a sudden decided breathing was a bad idea, because this afternoon, his smile, his shyness, clearly indicated he really did want to go with her. And he hadn't wanted to confide in me. My best buddy had decided I wasn't trustworthy, wasn't worth the effort, wasn't worth talking to.   
  
I wanted to punch something, wanted to hit something, wanted to throttle someone.  
  
It just felt like I was feeling too much. Not understanding enough. Too confused.  
  
My head started trying to torture me with images of Relena's excitement, her grin so wide, she looked like a tea kettle just gone to boil, one of those squealing ones. I could just imaging her throwing herself at Heero, almost strangling him in joy, and his arms wrapped around her waist holding her close as he smiled that shy smile, that small little grin of pleasure. I could just imagine him laughing for her, stealing a kiss, just standing close, brushing her hand, tucking her hair behind her ear, whispering into her neck.  
  
I could feel my face and stomach contort a little more as every new, little thing, every new touch, every, little way he could make her happy, was bestowed on her in my mind.  
  
And she returned them. 


	3. don't know

I'm lying here, in my bedroom, on my bed, with my parrot.  
  
It's told me Shinigami rules fifteen times this morning, and called me idiot four.  
  
It carefully picks my braid up off the bedspread, it's rough, blistery little tongue poking the hairs as it rolls it experimentally in it's beak.  
  
Walking in his jerky fashion to the edge of the bed, he sticks his neck out and drops my hair over the side, watching it swing back and forth. He watches my hand out of one eye cocking his head to one side as I pick up my hair and place it back on the covers. Deathscythe wanders over again. He picks it up in one foot, looking at it carefully, he puts it in his beak, and stalks to the edge to drop it again.  
  
I sigh, and sigh again.  
  
I don't want to hop up. I don't want to get up. I don't even want to roll off the bed so my feet just happen to be supporting me.  
  
How did it get to be morning so quickly.  
  
I eventually manage to convince my feet to dig their way out from underneath the covers and the cool air that hits the soles of my feet makes the rest of me feel too damn hot.  
  
I make the roll attempt and my parrot attacks my braid with his claws and beak simultaneously. I take my time getting vertical so the silly thing doesn't fall off and look around for my school clothes. I can feel the extra weight on my hair, and the tugging as he grapples his way upwards. He digs his nose into the back of my neck amongst my hair as he waits for me to get my shirt off and find a new one to put on.  
  
Then he's nipping my back, digging in his claws and moving to sit on my left shoulder.   
  
I can see him rocking back and forth as he tries to keep his balance while I put my trousers on then hops obediently onto his perch when I bend down to pick up his seed tin.  
  
I fill up his little bowl, change his water during my visit to the bathroom and scratch his head before heading off to the kitchen to feed myself.  
  
Surprisingly enough, it actually took me a while to figure out why I was feeling so down. But never fear, Heero, or Relena, or both of them shoved it in my face as soon as I walked through the school gate.  
  
How nice of them.  
  
Ok I was going to have to do a bit of acting, pretend I didn't notice that they were sitting apart from everyone else, talking, Heero was looking at her intently while she explained something.  
  
I headed over to Quatre and the others trying to ignore the little scene that the rest of my head wanted to pay full attention to. I was hoping they wouldn't notice me, but Relena spotted me and called out. She sounded so bloody happy.   
  
I forced a grin onto my face and gave a big wave, I could see Heero glance up from beneath the hair hanging in his face then turn away fidgeting with the edge of his shorts.  
  
Well, hah. At least he had the decency to feel bad about what he'd done.  
  
I saw Relena prodding his knee and resisted the temptation to keep torturing myself, turning to greet the rest of the guys with my normal, over enthusiastic tirade.  
  
At lunchtime I didn't have to worry about avoiding Heero, he was doing a good enough job of avoiding me. Hilde told me about this party I just *had* to go to. Someone's parents were away and it was going to be an absolute blast. We all ended up agreeing to go.  
  
I think Quatre noticed that Heero and I hadn't spoken all day. He kept looking at me, then over at Heero and Relena. He didn't even notice Trowa pinching the tomato out of his salad.  
  
With Hilde on my left and Wu fei and Sally playing battle of the sexes on my right, I discovered I really didn't have to say much at all to keep up the appearance of normal.  
  
By the time lunch was halfway finished I was feeling a lot happier. Hilde always was good at cheering me up. When I laughed properly for the first time that hour, she surprised me by poking me in the ribs and asking if I felt better now. She'd known something was up.   
  
I looked at her for a second, then smiled and nodded. I was feeling better. So what if Heero was an arsehole, if he...wanted to go out with Relena, and hadn't told me. I mean, I was still disappointed, I guess, but it wasn't as if she was a total witch or some girl that was unworthy of his attention. Besides, she was one of my friends too. If she made him smile, laugh, it's not like I wouldn't be around to see it. So what if I wasn't the one to cause it.  
  
Ok, now I sound like he's totally ditched me for her. How weird is that. And totally not the case. He's still my best friend, having a girlfriend might change things a little, maybe a lot, but he's not about to ignore me completely all of a sudden.  
  
Heero proved this by walking with me to English, he waved to Relena who was looking at him adoringly, I swear, for a second there she looked like a mother hen saying goodbye to her little chicken.  
  
I hope their relationship doesn't develop to the point where they pash before parting too quickly, I don't think I could stomach it.  
  
For lack of better things to talk about I continued Hilde's raving about how cool the party would be. He asked me if I wanted to crash at his place afterwards as it was a bit of a hike to mine and I quickly agreed. The way I was feeling, who knows what state I'd be in afterwards.  
  
We ended up having a relatively normal afternoon, walking our usual route to the T-intersection where we part ways after school.  
  
When I turned to say goodbye though he stopped me. He was looking nervous and unsure of himself.  
  
'Would you...I mean, do you think?....' he paused, uncharacteristically fiddling with his bag straps and tugged his fringe, he looked up for a second then must've decided the footpath was more interesting. 'Relena said...would you...?' he was trying to ask if I minded if he was going out with Relena.  
  
I thought I'd save him the torture. I punched him lightly on the shoulder.  
  
'Nah buddy, I don't mind' I gave him a reassuring smile then turned and headed off home.  
  
I couldn't figure out why it just made me feel worse. 


	4. what you wish for

Instead of going to the house I walked the three blocks down to the mechanics workshop that Howard owns.  
  
My part time job.  
  
Howard is my sort of foster parent.  
  
Although Jan probably does most of the 'looking after' that I need.  
  
I met Howard when I was ten or eleven. He owned the servo down the road from the foster home I was living in at the time. I used to go down there on afternoons and weekends and he'd let me help him with whatever he was working on.  
  
He bought his own workshop when I was thirteen, offered me an apprenticeship when I was fifteen and I moved into the upstairs room of his house.  
  
Dream come true was shattered, or at least postponed, when, a week after school started up again, Jan comes in waving my school records and tells Howard I'm finishing year twelve and they both blow up at me for not telling them about my 'exceptionable ability' and that, despite my 'less than exemplary behaviour' I'm 'a bright young man' who could 'go far'.   
  
I'd like to know how she got a hold of that. I'm pretty sure the teachers were as happy as I was when they discovered I was leaving.  
  
On the plus side though, I get to hang out with my friends daily and I get to help out at the workshop whenever I want, as long as I've finished my homework. Which Jan, unfortunately, monitors more thoroughly than my parrot.  
  
Jan's pretty alright though. She's married to Richard, one of the mechanics I work with. They live right next door and Jan cooks us meals from time to time.  
  
Cleans the house too.  
  
I started to think about the end of year formal again, and who I was going to go with.  
  
I'd already established Hilde would say yes, but I didn't want to go with her.  
  
Who else was there to ask though? Relena and Sally were most definitely out, other than that I'd be choosing a random person. I wasn't really that close to anybody else.  
  
Well, unless you include the guys, but they're all taken as well.  
  
I took a moment to think about what going to the dance with Heero would be like.  
  
Both of us in suits, slow dancing in the middle of the floor.  
  
That'd be pretty funny.  
  
Reminds me of when we did folk dancing in year eight.  
  
The PE Teacher dragged our class to the gym and tried to get us to pair up. Half the guys partnered guys just so they didn't have to dance with the girls.  
  
Seriously, you'd think we'd be over girl germs by that age.  
  
I had a lot of fun gallivanting around with Heero until Relena cut in and pinched him.  
  
I was mildly peeved for all of about three seconds, when I noticed Heero scowling so fiercely it's a wonder Relena didn't combust.   
  
I commandeered Hilde and we tangoed up and down the floor to the waltzing strains of   
  
'Swing your partner by the arm, heel and toe, heel and toe...'  
  
I had a great time afterwards trying to break Heero's stroppy mood as well.  
  
That's always fun.   
  
Hmm, I wonder what Heero'd say if I asked him to go with me.  
  
'Now Heero, I've given this careful consideration, and I sincerely think it would be best if you went to the dance with me, girl germs, you know, could be fatal.'  
  
'Hn, yes, girl germs.'  
  
Too bad he's going with Relena.  
  
Damn. Why does that plague my mind so.  
  
I was about to force myself onto another topic, when all of a sudden felt really in the mood for torturing myself.  
  
Instead of thinking about them being together I ran through some of the moments we'd had together instead. The ones that were making me kind of sad at the moment because he'd be wanting to spend his time with Relena now.  
  
The ones that used to give me the warm fuzzies when I thought about them.  
  
Like when Howard let me get Deathscythe Hell, I almost got a dog instead just because Heero looked so sweet playing with the puppies at the pet store. G, Heero's guardian (some relation I think), would never let Heero get a pet, hates all forms of wildlife. Made Heero animal proof their backyard just to keep out the neighbours guinea pigs.  
  
All the times when Heero tried to teach my parrot to 'sit' and 'stay'. When he nearly knocked himself out on the mantle piece trying to see how fast it would walk along behind him.  
  
Watching movies and fighting over the popcorn bowl. He has this thing for moving it just as I try to grab some, then acts as if nothings happened or gives this infuriating smirk. You'd think he liked being attacked.  
  
G started cooking our popcorn for us and giving us separate bowls after it ended up on the floor one too many times.  
  
I remember helping each other limp off the field from our short stint in learning to play rugby, we discovered we were just not built for that kind of thing. Man those guys are huge.  
  
Heero going to sleep and leaving it up to me to make sure we stayed aloft when a wild pig imprisoned us up a tree one night on a camping trip. It was kinda nice waking up in his embrace the next morning, even if it was rather sudden, painful and more of a crumpled heap on the ground.  
  
All these thoughts gave me that happy sad feeling, the one you always seem to want more of despite the pain it causes. Just cause your wishing for what makes you happy, what could be, but knowing your wish isn't someone else's.   
  
The stories your head makes up, the mental interactions you create, the dreams that just, sort of, arrive.   
  
Wishes.  
  
I sighed.   
  
And if wishes were fishes all men would cast nets, there'd be twice as many scuba divers and evolution would go backwards.  
  
I don't understand myself. One minute I feel like sinking into a melancholy puddle, the next I'm evaporating it with artificial sunlight and a heavy duty dryer.  
  
I start sinking then part of me turns around, laughs, and says   
  
'I'm sorry, but your just so damned dramatic.'  
  
And there we go, bad mood, sad mood, anything but happy mood, all nicely locked back in its box in the attic of my mind.   
  
Hmm, less cobwebs up there than usual.  
  
Oh well, at least I get to hang around with Heero tomorrow arvo.  
  
Walking into the garage I find Howard and Richard removing the engine of a '78 Holden commodore, brown, definitely seen better days.  
  
Deathscythe hell is doing a bad job of sorting all the old bolts.   
  
Howard brings him down here most days, he has a bad habit of wrecking things when left at the house to his own devices.  
  
I dump my bag in the office, give the parrot a scratch and wander over to see if I can help. 


	5. How

I feel satisfyingly dirty.  
  
I've got grease marks all up my arms, my hands are practically black, I believe there may be some oil in my ear, but the vehicle is working.  
  
Gathering up my tools I stick them back in their rightful places and wheedle my may out of Saturday arvo cleanup.  
  
Leaving Deathscythe hell with Howard I toddle off home to get cleaned up for the party.  
  
To my absolute and utter dismay I discovered I had grease in my hair, then the shirt I was planning to wear was at the bottom of my wardrobe and I didn't have time to iron it, the rope on my duffle bag broke, my parrot had gone potty in my favourite shoes and my bike, which I'd been planning to ride to Heero's, would not start.  
  
All this led to the sudden onset of a particularly foul mood which I reflected by running up stairs and changing into a completely black outfit which I hadn't worn for a very long time. I spent fifteen minutes lying on my bed trying to convince myself to change back into the red shirt, but I was drowned out by the crowd in my head that were determined to remind me of every rotten thing that had happened the entire week. Eventually I called Quatre because I didn't want to walk and I knew he was being driven, maybe he could help me fix my head before we got there.   
  
Turned out that Trowa's sister Catherine was giving them a lift and she was nice enough to pick me up on the way past so I kept my mood to myself. We swung by Heero's place as well, but it wasn't until we got to the party that I realised I'd left me duffle at home which just made my mood drop another notch. I could feel Heero's eyes on me as we made our way up the front path, he'd silently questioned my choice of clothes in the car, but I didn't have an answer I was willing to give him. I wanted him to think something was wrong, but I knew if I tried to tell him I'd just make it all into this great big joke, brush it off and happily accept being called an idiot.  
  
It's a lot more fun to wallow in self pity than it is to feel weak because someone else is pitying you. Hilde greeted me with a knowing smile and a glass of baileys as I approached the small bar in the loungeroom. Heero grabbed a beer and went over to talk to Wufei as Hilde joined me on the dance floor for a couple of songs.   
  
Both Relena's brother Milliardo and Treize Kushrenada stopped to have a chat with me on how the basketball team was coping now that they'd left school. They'd been the star players of the senior team when Heero and I had started out in juniors.   
  
Treize Kushrenada, is an extremely handsome, extremely fascinating sort of man. He has this dignity, a way he holds himself. He's the kind of guy that people hang around in hopes that popularity will rub off on them. The difference between him and the average popular guy though, is that Treize didn't keep himself on top by pushing others down, or spreading his money. He just was. And the fact that he doesn't seem to care that people adore him makes him all the more desirable.  
  
He reminds me a little bit of Heero in that respect, except Treize happens to be aware that people like him, Heero seems to think the world would shoot him in the arse as soon as he turned his back.   
  
Milliardo's a little like that as well.  
  
I partnered up with Heero for a couple of games of pool. He seemed to think it was funny that I couldn't sink any.  
  
We lost to Wu fei and Sally, and I'm telling you now, that was a sore blow. Then we lost the table to some other guys while we were playing catch the peanut.   
  
On the way to get more drinks we got caught in a conga line and someone was stupid enough to put the macarena on so Ralph, me and a couple of other guys decided to introduce the version *we'd* created.   
  
I happened to notice Heero looking rather lost standing against the wall sipping his beer when I was on my fifth drink and realised I'd somehow managed to ditch him without meaning to.  
  
Feeling quite a bit happier than when I arrived I made my way towards him determined to teach him the word 'party' and possibly con him into a game of 'pin the tail on the sexy looking lady' that was going on near the staircase.  
  
Before I could make my way across the room Relena appeared by his side trying to talk to him. They were obscured by the dancers for a few seconds then I saw Relena dragging Heero towards the hall door.  
  
I'm not quite sure what part of my brain I was using at that point, but for some reason I thought it would be a great idea to follow them.  
  
I don't think I'd quite realised what implications that hallway held until I was actually down it and could hear the muffled and not so muffled noises of a certain form of interaction going on behind a number of closed doors.  
  
I frowned.  
  
Heero wasn't like that.   
  
Heero wouldn't do that.   
  
Heero was....  
  
A low grown issued from the door I'd paused in front of. I turned to face it licking my lips nervously and eyeing the door handle.  
  
There was someone whispering...  
  
'Heeeeero'  
  
I stared at the door, startled.  
  
If that was Relena attempting to be sexy she was doing a very bad job.  
  
I took a few steps back towards the loungeroom, so I'm not sure where the squeal came from, but I was out of there, I didn't need to hear anymore, that was it.  
  
Drinking games.  
  
I'd play drinking games.  
  
With Hilde.  
  
She was already near the bar.  
  
Oh and look. Trowa and Quatre are there too.  
  
We were well into our game of swoop when they came back out again, well, I think we were, I was losing. It required more concentration than I could manage.  
  
Neither of them looked too flustered as they joined us at the table, although Heero seemed to be a bit red in the face. I worked my way out of my sudden anxiety enough to give Heero a knowing wink before I finished off my current glass of... of...  
  
I felt like dancing.  
  
Hilde joined me in the attempt but we didn't do a very good job. The music just kept moving in all the wrong places. Hilde got us more drinks but I didn't even get the chance to take a sip, it disappeared, but that was ok because Heero had brought me one as well. He insisted on playing games instead of giving it straight to me though.  
  
I was having fun.  
  
I had one arm wrapped around Hilde and the other hand clutching Heero's as I tried to find the beat of the current song, but that meant I didn't have a hand for drinks.  
  
Extricating myself from Hilde's grip I reached for the glass in Heero's hand but he was still playing silly buggers so I went for Hilde's instead.  
  
Suddenly there was nothing holding me up and Hilde's cup disappeared.  
  
I looked around for it and found Hilde instead. I had something to ask her.  
  
I'm not exactly sure if I managed to get the sentence structure just right, or wether all the words were there but she seemed to comprehend, and she was nodding.  
  
So I kissed her. 


	6. does your heart

I've done something majorly wrong. Something that I am very much regretting, and will probably regret a whole lot more, once I recall exactly what it was that I did.  
  
At the moment, my head hurts too much, I feel a bit achy, I think I must've been hit by something, face is throbbing, and whatever surface I'm lying on.....  
  
Attempts at getting my eyes open are painful, I'm somewhere really bright, lots of white, a curtain, something beside me is humming, a piece of electrical equipment I think, the roof is unusually distant, but that's enough to establish I'm lying flat on my back somewhere in a bright room.   
  
My arms are kind of heavy. Moving them around my hand comes into contact with a very smooth surface, cool, metallic, curvy edges and.....what on earth....  
  
I pick it up and open my eyes. A frying pan?  
  
Looking around properly I can see the stove, the cupboard doors, the cloth drape that runs around the kitchen island and for some reason, I'm on the bloody floor.  
  
But it's not Heero's floor. It's not his kitchen.  
  
I'm not at Heero's.  
  
What....?  
  
Just then an angry Wu fei stormed through the door.  
  
"Why can't you stay on the damned lounge?" he says crossly.   
  
Well this is unusual.  
  
He doesn't bother to wait for an answer and instead starts the kettle, dumps bread in the toaster and stands there giving me dirty looks as I attempt to climb up the stool that is for some reason upside down.  
  
When I manage to get to my feet, I turn it up the right way, sit down and carefully rest my forehead on the bench.  
  
My stomach is roiling and I seem to have saliva being produced in excess, partially due to whatever I consumed last night and because I'm thinking, what did I do to Heero?  
  
There's no way he'd leave me, not like I was.   
  
Did I?....  
  
Maybe I....maybe....   
  
Did I say something? Or did I do something?  
  
Was it....?  
  
He wouldn't leave just cause I said something about Relena, or....  
  
Having my head bent down like this is making my face throb like crazy. Sitting up again and ignoring the sudden dizziness, I touch my face carefully with my fingers.  
  
It hurts. All along the left side of my face.  
  
Did I have a fight with someone?  
  
Did I have a fight with Heero?  
  
What on earth would I fight with Heero about?  
  
Maybe he got drunk as well and neither of us were capable of getting home so Wu fei had to drag our arses to his place. That would make him peeved.  
  
"Where's Heero?" If anything Wu fei scowled even harder. He pulled two mugs out of the cupboard, dumped some coffee and sugar in one, tea in the other, filled them both with hot water and dumped one in front of me.  
  
Coffee.  
  
"Hopefully he's at his place, after what you did...." he shook his head and started buttering his toast.  
  
He left me behind because I did something really bad.  
  
But what?  
  
Did I yell at him? Did I hit him? What made me do whatever I did in the first place?   
  
I remember drinking and dancing with Hilde, and Heero was there as well. They both had drinks. I remember Heero stuffing around. Wouldn't give me a drink. Was that the reason?  
  
No, because he was still there when I was talking to Hilde.  
  
I was asking her something. I was asking her about dancing?  
  
No.  
  
The party?  
  
No.  
  
Something bigger.  
  
End of year dance.  
  
I was asking her to the end of year dance. Did she say yes?  
  
Don't know.  
  
But she...she kissed me.  
  
No.  
  
I kissed her.  
  
Damn. I didn't want to do that.  
  
Aww crap, that just makes it worse. Now she's gonna think....maybe we are? Maybe that means we're dating now. Will she think we are?  
  
Or....  
  
What does Heero think?  
  
He was cross. I remember him being cross, wouldn't give me a drink, yelling, he was shouting.   
  
But he doesn't shout. Hell, he barely raises his voice.  
  
What was he yelling about?  
  
The drink?   
  
I can't have had that much, I always listen to him when he says no more.  
  
He wouldn't yell about the drink.  
  
I must've said something.... must've said something about....but....but I don't....it's not there....not in my head....I can't....I just can't remember.  
  
Can't remember.  
  
My head is resting on the bench again. Nice and cool. Coffee smell.  
  
I hear Wu fei sigh.  
  
"You're an idiot, Maxwell" He's already finished his toast. "I have to go to work, would you lock up when you leave"  
  
He fishes a packet of Panadol out of the cupboard and sits it on the bench. He doesn't look cross any more.  
  
He leaves.  
  
I can hear him get his keys and his jacket and the door closing behind him.  
  
I wish I knew what I did.  
  
I wish I knew what happened. Why my face hurt.  
  
I wish I knew what Heero thought.  
  
I wish I knew whether he was ok. Too afraid to ask.  
  
I wish last night hadn't happened.  
  
I wish Hilde hadn't asked us to go.  
  
I wish Heero wasn't going out with Relena.  
  
I wish Heero....wha.....? 


	7. know

There wasn't much of Sunday left by the time I felt capable of leaving Wu fei's place.  
  
It was a long walk.  
  
I forgot to turn down a couple of streets and somehow ended up out the front of Heero's place.  
  
I wished I had the courage to just go in and talk to him, to tell him I didn't mean it, that I didn't know what I'd said or done, but I didn't mean it anyway.   
  
It was well after dark by the time I made it home.  
  
Howard didn't question my dishevelled state, just thumped me on the shoulder to let me know he was glad I was safe and shook his head at my bruised face. No doubt I'd get an earful from Jan later on.   
  
I stood in the shower for so long I ended up with the indent of the shower drain on my foot and when I hopped out I realised I hadn't done my hair so I had to get back in and wash it.  
  
I accidentally ignored Deathscythe for longer than he could tolerate, he nipped me on the arm so hard it bled.  
  
I put him in his cage for the first time in ages, ignoring his mournful little croaks I climbed into bed and buried my head beneath my pillows.  
  
My head was running 20 million miles an hour around a closed circuit that consisted of Heero, Hilde, Relena, the party, Wu fei, Heero. I kept getting this weird constriction in my throat and my body would overheat, I could feel myself sweating, my head prickling as if my scalp was shrinking. Then I'd cool down till I was shivering before it all washed back into my mind. Starting again.  
  
Questions, too many questions, too many why's, too many what the hell was I going to do, too much, just too much.  
  
I was jolted awake by a bloody loud squawking directly in my ear. I leapt out of bed only to crash into the dresser having somehow ended up with my head at the wrong end of the bed during the night.  
  
Damned bird.   
  
Friggin five thirty in the bloody morning, lucky the blasted thing had the brains to perch itself on top of the friggin wardrobe where I couldn't reach it, how the hell did it get out of it's cage?  
  
I swear to Shinigami I felt like strangling something.  
  
I calmed down when I noticed a couple of black feathers resting on my bed. Damn, I must've actually hit him.   
  
"Hey buddy, I'm sorry" I grabbed his seed tin and noticed I hadn't fed the poor guy either, "I didn't mean to hit ya mate, come down" He just squawked indignantly and continued pacing along the top of the wardrobe.  
  
Sighing I grabbed my desk chair to stand on and grabbed a couple of seeds out of the tin. He reluctantly approached my hand making these funny little croaky sighs he does when I talk to him. Sounds kinda like 'I know, I know', well, if you, sorta don't listen too hard. I dunno. He generally does it when I complain about having too much homework, or that someone's an arsehole or something.  
  
Sounds like he's sympathising.   
  
He basically just crumbled the seeds, letting it all drop onto the wardrobe. Punishment. I'd have to clean that up later.  
  
He hopped onto my hand and sidestepped down my arm till he was perched on my shoulder. He gave my fringe an experimental nibble then began checking out the palatability of my ear.  
  
I spent a couple of hours feeding Deathscythe while lying on my bed and telling him I'd had a bloody awful weekend and I really didn't want to face anyone today.  
  
He muttered agreeably and paced up and down my stomach.  
  
I snorted. He'd somehow picked up on Heero's grunting prompts to continue the conversation.  
  
The clock eventually rolled around to 8:00 and Howard came to take Deathscythe off to work.  
  
I contemplated staying home for the day, but after having sat in the lounge room, got up, sat in the kitchen, got up, eaten a piece of frozen cake, picked up the newspaper, put it down, and stood looking blankly out the dining room window. I decided I was thoroughly bored and would much rather face whatever horrendous music was in store for me sooner rather than later, and rushed up stairs to put on my uniform.  
  
I was late to school. Missed the entire first period.  
  
My initial reluctance had returned after I reached the end of the first block. I wasn't feeling as intensely ashamed as I had yesterday, but my gut still felt like it was consuming itself each time my thoughts completed their rotation, seeming to concentrate more on the half images, flashes, bursts of sound and sensation from the blasted party.   
  
Damn it!  
  
Walking into school just as the second period bell went I noticed my circle of friends making their way towards the basketball courts.  
  
They were more spread out than usual. Trowa and Wu fei were either side of Hilde. Sally was leading Relena at the front who kept looking mournfully over her shoulder at Heero who was looking rather sulky as Quatre patted him on the back, ok scrap that, he looked like he was going to rip someone's vitals out. The way his glare intensified every time Relena turned around kinda indicated she was the lucky little chicken about to receive disembowelment.  
  
Well shit, hey. I'd broken them up.  
  
Some part of me managed to garner happiness from that fact, but it was soon washed away by a flood of guilt, worry, fear? If Heero wanted to hurt Relena, then he probably wanted to kill me.  
  
They were already dressed in their sports uniforms so I headed off to the locker rooms to get changed.  
  
I only had half my clothes on when Quatre suddenly appeared.  
  
"Duo, where have you been? We were worried sick, how come you didn't call me back?"   
  
I sighed and pulled my shirt over my head before turning to face him.  
  
"I've been around, I'm sorry, I didn't know you'd called."  
  
"By Allah, your face" he grabbed my shoulder and turned me towards the light. He sighed. "Don't be angry with him Duo, Heero's really upset, you've got to go and talk to him about what happened at the party." he released my shoulder giving me that horrible pleading look he's so good at.  
  
I looked away.  
  
"Quat, I don't even remember the party." How was I supposed to talk about something I couldn't recall, "I know I did something wrong, I know it must've been bad, but I don't have a bloody clue what it was"  
  
"You don't remember anything?" I swung around to find Heero standing in the locker room doorway. He was looking, more tense than usual.   
  
I shook my head. "I'm sorry Heero"   
  
He looked steadily into my eyes then nodded and took a step into the room. He was going to forgive me?  
  
"Heero!" Quatre admonished. They glared at each other. They'd obviously discussed something, probably what I'd done. Looking between them I saw Heero give a slight shake of his head.   
  
Quatre sighed. "Fine, I can't force you" He brushed past Heero crossly.  
  
I stood there watching him watch me. Was he expecting me to say something? Was he going to tell me what happened?  
  
All of a sudden words came pouring out my mouth, as if someone had attached my mouth directly to my thought stream and chucked away whatever usually filtered out and organised everything into coherent sentences.   
  
"Heero, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean it, I woke up and you weren't there, I didn't know what I'd done, I didn't know what to think, I'm sorry I hurt you, I didn't want you to be upset, I'm sorry about Relena, I'm sorry....." I trailed off as he came to stand in front of me and he raised his hand to my face.  
  
"I'm sorry too" he murmured, running his finger lightly over my bruised cheek.  
  
"Heero, what did I do?"   
  
He shook his head slightly. "It doesn't matter" He carefully pushed my face to the side so he could get a better look.  
  
"You really belted me one didn't you" I chuckled.  
  
He suddenly snatched his hand away looking....for a second....he looked....caught.  
  
Then he smirked.  
  
"Idiot" he muttered and led the way out the door. 


	8. what to

I was feeling ecstatically happy.  
  
I was going to live.  
  
Heero Yuy was not going to slaughter me. He was not going to Deathglare me for all eternity.   
  
He was acting as if the party hadn't happened at all.   
  
Mostly.  
  
During lunchtime a couple of guys two tables over from us started bagging gays with meaningful glances in our direction.  
  
Seriously, you'd think they'd have gotten over the fact that I have long hair, am proud of it, and perfectly happy chasing after girls. Just because I had some respect for the female body and chose not to discuss it loudly, in public, does not mean I'm hitting on guys instead.  
  
I don't know what was with the sudden renewed vigour for attempting to insult me about it though, it'd been ages since they'd bothered.  
  
Anyway, instead of letting me run off at the mouth and insult the hell out of them back, Heero suddenly insisted we go outside.  
  
I was so surprised when he stood up, grabbed my shirt collar and hauled me out of the cafeteria I shut up long enough to hear more of their jeering cries.  
  
"Aww look, he's taking his girlfriend out, how sweets that"  
  
"Don't they make such a cute couple"  
  
"Seriously Jo, Relena had no chance"  
  
My last glimpse before the door closed was of one of my normally docile friends with a preference for pink, crawling across a table in order to strangle the moron who'd made the last comment.  
  
I walked up to the nearest tree and slammed my fist into as soon as Heero released my shirt.  
  
I hate it when they do that, it always gets me so....  
  
"Is it that bad having people think your gay?" Heero said walking up behind me.  
  
I swung around. "No!" I all but shouted. "It's the way they say it, like it's a bad thing."  
  
I turned around and kicked the tree as well.   
  
Bloody idiots.  
  
Now they were insulting Heero, they'd never done that before.  
  
I hoped Relena pulled their hair out. And gouged out their eyeballs, she's always had long fingernails.  
  
Something in Heero's voice suddenly registered. He sounded....defensive?  
  
I was confused for about a second.  
  
Well of course. I sighed at my stupidity. Heero Yuy may not act like it often, but he really was a good friend.  
  
He'd settled himself on the ground cross legged a couple of feet away. I grabbed his knees and dragged him round to face the tree so I could lean against it.  
  
"Sorry Heero, I didn't mean to go off like that, of course I don't have a problem with gay people," duh, Quatre and Trowa aren't exactly unobvious, "two of our best friends are gay, and if it'll make you happy I'll apologise later. It's just, when they start up like that I can't help it, they make me so damn mad."  
  
Heero, for some reason, was absolutely bright red.  
  
He was staring intently at a particularly large beetle navigating a pathway amongst the grass near his right foot. I pulled a piece of bark off the tree, herded the insect onto it and held it up at eyelevel to get Heero's attention.  
  
"Tell me you don't wish you could spit flames when they say stuff like that." he was still looking at the beetle, "Cause I think Relena would be very happy for that ability right now."  
  
I didn't get the reaction I was hoping for. It looked like it was going to be hard to amend that particular rift, as much as I didn't want to.  
  
He was frowning.  
  
"I bet Hilde would to." He stood up and took the beetle, stretching upwards and placing it on the lowest branch, which happened to be quite high. Hilde would too, hey. No, your wrong there, she'd think it was hilarious. Maybe I should learn to laugh like she could.  
  
The bell went.  
  
Heero reached down, grabbing my hand and hauled me to my feet. You'd think I weighed a tonne the effort he put into it. I ended up losing my balance and clutching the front of his shirt to prevent myself from ending up back on the ground.   
  
We stumbled, knocking knees, I trod on his foot...leg caught...oww my face...damn Heero's bony....falling....arm around my waist....and....we're standing.  
  
He was clutching me like I'd nearly gone over a cliff. I smiled broadly at his chin, which happened to be directly in front of me, but before I could say anything he'd disappeared.  
  
I spun around.  
  
He was walking back inside.  
  
After a few seconds he turned around and looked at me curiously, as if he wondered why I wasn't following him.  
  
Hell Yuy, your....you just....you....Hell Yuy.  
  
I plastered a grin on my face and jogged after him.  
  
Math class was tortuous.   
  
Not only was I sitting next to Hilde who was hell bent on apologising profusely for the party without actually telling me what had happened, but the stupid teacher decided to take us step-by-step through solving the problems instead of just letting us get our work done, and continually reprimanded me for talking.  
  
If you add the fact that I spent extra hours after school doing detention, with Relena, because I decided to pursue inappropriate retaliation against a bunch of homophobic morons during our Engish lesson.   
  
Then I was pretty well thoroughly pissed.  
  
I'd missed our afternoon basketball game, Heero would've gone home, Jan would be at my place, I would probably be grilled along with the rest of the steak, forced to do more homework, and I wouldn't even have Deathscythe Hell to complain to.  
  
I could've hugged Heero and kissed him when he caught up with me at the gate waving a DVD in front of my nose.  
  
Dr J was at some conference so Heero made us popcorn while I rang Jan and told her I wouldn't be home tonight.  
  
We quizzed each other on physics problems for a bit munching away.   
  
I didn't get quite as bored as I would've if I'd been doing them on my own.  
  
It was kinda nice sitting there watching Heero. His hand flitting over the page, numbers, lines and equations appearing on the page, as neat as if they'd been printed.  
  
I don't know how he does that. When I write fast it all turns into lines, little waves that I can't interpret myself let alone anyone else.  
  
All of a sudden Heero snapped the text book shut and shoved the folders up the other end of the table. He must've noticed me drifting.  
  
I made another batch of popcorn while he set up the TV and we lounged across the couch trying to get settled.  
  
I don't know why, but every 4 out 5 times Heero chooses a movie, it's bad.  
  
I was watching him more often than the TV and building little people out of popcorn on the coffee table before it was even half finished.  
  
Suddenly, a great wind came down and it began raining cats and dogs in popcorn land.  
  
It rained on Heero to, who wasn't at all pleased.  
  
"Duo your wasting it"  
  
"Don't worry, your floors clean enough to eat off" I got a bit further away and chucked some more of the stuff at him.  
  
"Duo" he pulled some of it out of his hair.   
  
And the chase was on.  
  
By golly he's fast.  
  
I couldn't help laughing manically as I managed to dodge various pieces of furniture playing keepaway.  
  
It all ended when Heero leapt over the lounge and tackled me, wrestling me to the floor.  
  
He sat on my chest force feeding me all the popcorn off the floor that he could reach without getting off.  
  
I stuck the bowl on his head, but that just provided him with more ammunition. He pinned my hands to the floor with one hand while he tried to force the stuff between my lips.  
  
My chest was shaking with laughter as I wriggled, I tried to use my legs to get away, so the bastard sat on my thighs instead and stuck his elbow in my chest.  
  
He had a determined little smirk pulling at his lips as he frowned in concentration, suddenly my hands were free, he tickled me, I laughed, and nearly choked when he shoved it in my mouth.  
  
Game over.  
  
Heero went to get up but slipped and landed back across my chest. He buried his nose against my collarbone and I poked him in the ribs.  
  
"Embarrassed as all hell Yuy, can't even keep your own feet" I chuckled.  
  
"Shut up, idiot" he mumbled, "I won"  
  
I chuckled some more, closing my eyes and working on getting my breath back.  
  
I could feel Heero's chest rising as mine fell, the moisture from his breath rushing against my skin and cooling the sweat.  
  
He moved off me a bit and I opened my eyes to see what he was doing only to find his eyes directly in front of mine. His breath hit my cheek, my ear and the side of my neck, making me shiver.  
  
I wanted to....  
  
I stiffened.   
  
Heero's eyes went wide.  
  
He moved backwards then he was up across the room. I just stared at him.   
  
He'd been right there....and I'd wanted to, I'd really wanted to....to....kiss him....wanted to kiss a guy....wanted to kiss....  
  
Oh, shit, oh shiza, oh my friggen god, Shinigami. No wonder Heero kept drawing away when we made contact, I was a friggen fag.  
  
Bi at the very least.  
  
I must've said something at the party, or done something, no wonder Heero ran away, having your best mate all of a sudden coming onto you would be more than a bit of a shock. Especially having just got yourself a girlfriend. And I'd just done it again.  
  
While sober.  
  
I looked at him.  
  
He was standing behind the lounge, clenched fists, breathing heavily.  
  
"Heero?" I croaked.  
  
He started slightly, his gaze flicking to me nervously.  
  
This was too much.  
  
I had to leave.  
  
Leaping off the ground, mashing popcorn into the carpet, I practically flew out the door and up the hallway.  
  
"Duo! Duo no!" I could here Heero coming after me. Stupid deadlock, blasted door, bloody open the frig up!   
  
I want out!!  
  
Cool air....hand on wrist....slam door....arm caught....pulled back....hands....  
  
"Duo stop!"   
  
I lash out....fist connects....stairs....cement....leap the gate and I'm running....away....home. 


	9. dream

I'm gay.  
  
I'm gay, I'm gay, I'm gay, I'm gay.  
  
I'm gay.  
  
Man this is so totally not fair.  
  
Why, Oh why...  
  
I keep seeing Heero.  
  
That one moment. Sprawled across my chest. Right there in front of me.  
  
Then gone.  
  
I can't believe...I can't.  
  
How could I of been friends with him for so long and not have realised.  
  
Hell.  
  
How could I of been gay and not realised. What am I, seventeen, don't people usually figure it out earlier than that?  
  
It's stupid.  
  
I'm stupid.  
  
Really dumb.  
  
I just ran out of Heero's house with no shoes on and I'm pacing back and forth less than a block away.  
  
What am I going to do???  
  
Call Quatre.  
  
Haven't got a phone.  
  
Go *home*, call Quatre.  
  
Jan's there tonight.  
  
Damn.  
  
Go to Quatre's.  
  
That's miles away.  
  
Take a cab.  
  
No money. Left all my stuff at Heero's.  
  
Fur...ri...hi...hig.  
  
Frig!  
  
Right. Calm and rational.  
  
Heero obviously doesn't hate me overly much or he wouldn't have tried to prevent me from getting out the door.  
  
He doesn't have a problem with gay people in general, just his best friend putting the moves on him.  
  
He's not going to mind me coming back.  
  
I hope.  
  
Going back.  
  
Right.  
  
Right?  
  
Yes.  
  
Going back.  
  
Bare feet was not a good idea. I think I have popcorn between my toes.  
  
Passing the overly high fence separating Heero's front yard from his neighbours, the streetlight reveals a rather depressed looking Heero sitting on the steps head on arms on knees.  
  
He looks up when I open the gate.  
  
I wish he didn't look so uncertain.  
  
He stands as I make my way up the path and steps onto the footpath so we're at eyelevel.  
  
"I didn't think you'd come back."  
  
I take a deep breath and look him in the eye. "Look, your my best mate, I don't want to give that up."  
  
He looks down. "You don't hate me?"  
  
Err, no. "You didn't do anything wrong."  
  
He nods and leads the way inside.  
  
Back in the lounge room we start picking up the mess we made. The silence is killing me.  
  
He's not talking. Not like that's unusual, but, maybe the present situation could've been excepted, at least, I was hoping it would be, cause I'm kinda lost for words.  
  
He won't look at me.  
  
Does he know I'm watching him?  
  
When the clock ticks round to eleven thirty we head up the hall to Heero's bedroom. For some reason he's kinda strict about his bedtime. Dr J obviously has him well drilled.  
  
I get the sheets out of the linen closet and we take the top mattress off Heero's bed and make up the other half.  
  
Heero went to turn all the lights out and came back with two mugs of hot chocolate. Flipping off the bedroom light he passed me a mug and sat on his bed just out of reach of the street light.  
  
And we did talk.  
  
Not about anything important. All the things I wanted to know, I was too afraid to ask. We talked about where we were going next year, what we wanted to do, things we wished for that we didn't believe would ever happen.  
  
When I came back from taking the mugs to the kitchen, Heero was standing near the window looking out.  
  
When I move over to stand next to him he turns towards me.  
  
I want to hug him.  
  
I wish I could hug him.  
  
Before all this he would've just stood there and taken it. It wouldn't have been a proper hug even, just me leaning on him.  
  
God, I hope he doesn't reject me.  
  
Awkwardly, I raise my arm, watching him for any hint, will he accept?  
  
Step closer, he looks at the floor, then he grabs me.  
  
His chin digs into my shoulder.  
  
"You mean a lot to me you know."  
  
"Yeah, same back to you buddy."  
  
He lets go hastily, not one for mushy moments. A small smile creeps onto my face. I think that's the first real hug he's ever given me. It's a little bittersweet as it's another of those moments that won't happen again. At least, not for a very long time.  
  
I drop down onto the mattress and strip down to my boxers before snuggling under the covers.  
  
I listen to Heero shuffling about and I'm not surprised when he yanks his pillow out from underneath my head and wacks me in the face with the other one.  
  
Man, talk about picky. Won't let his guest have the good one for once.  
  
Heero's alarm didn't go off.  
  
Thankfully he seems to have an inbuilt timer and woke up not long after it we were supposed to so we didn't have to rush.  
  
Well, not until Heero remembered it was Tuesday and he had his early morning tute class with Wu fei. We split up at the intersection so I could go home and get new clothes.  
  
When I got to school, I discovered Heero and Wu fei had foregone class to play basketball instead. Heero must've been too late.  
  
Settling myself on the bench hidden beneath a tree, I push a branch down a little further so I can see the basketball court properly.  
  
Poor Wu fei's not getting much of a competition this morning. Heero doesn't look like he's even really trying.  
  
"Duo?" Aack, I've been found.  
  
"Oh hi, Quatre." I disentangle myself from the bush.  
  
"What are you doing?" I look over at the basketball court to point them out, but evidently Heero's given up trying to play at all, Wu fei's leading him towards the main building.  
  
I look back at Quatre.  
  
The basketball court.  
  
Quatre.  
  
Err, where's my voice gone?  
  
"So, did he tell you?" Tell me wha...oh right.   
  
Heero knows I'm gay and he's not. Could he be talking about anything else?  
  
"Well yeah, you could say that, let's just say I got the gist of it." Man this so sucked. What was it to Quatre anyway?  
  
"And?"  
  
"And what? A Gay guy comes on to his straight best friend then realises his mistake, what do you think I did Quat?" Oh don't look at me like that you....you..."I ran ok."  
  
"Oh Duo."  
  
"Don't worry, I went back, it's just, I was lost, I didn't know what to do Quat-man?"  
  
"You have to talk to him, explain how you feel, you guys have a great friendship. Don't ruin it because you don't feel the same as him. Your hurting him reacting like this."  
  
"He's hurting? How does he think I feel?" Just fine and dandy? "Quat, I like him so much and he'll never return it." I look at him hoping for an answer.   
  
But...he's looking confused...and vaguely....surprised.  
  
"Quat?"  
  
Now he's smiling.  
  
What's he smiling for?  
  
"What, exactly happened last night?" I don't like that look.  
  
"Err, well, he...umm, homework, popcorn, movie, a fight." He frowns slightly. "Just a play one, we were stuffing around. He won and we were lying on the floor, next thing you know his face was right there and I nearly kissed...."  
  
"You, nearly kissed him?" he squeaked.  
  
"Yeah, I nearly kissed him and...."  
  
"Really??" By golly, he's turned pink.  
  
"Yes, really," He looks like he's about to, I don't know, explode or something. Doesn't he get it? "As sweet as it is Quat, there's no need to get excited, we both know Heero's never going to go for me and..."  
  
"DUO!" Oh shit, it's Relena.  
  
"Gotta go Quat, stall her for me" I refuse to be earbashed by....her. I managed to avoid her yesterday through Heero's deathglares and a rather ominous teacher during detention, I will avoid her today. Discourteous as it might be. I'm not ready to hear the details of her break up and how I caused it.   
  
I make a dash for the school buildings.  
  
"No Duo, wait!"  
  
"Sorry Quat!"  
  
"You've got it all wrong!" 


	10. Blowed if I know

Got what all wrong?  
  
Blast Relena.   
  
She couldn't wait until Quatre managed to explain himself, could she.  
  
Tearing across the Quad and leaping up the steps, I began dodging the students littering the hallway in an attempt to get as far away from Relena as possible. I could not handle having to deal with her accusations at the moment, even if they were justified. I already knew I'd wrecked her chances with Heero and I admit it would've been nice to know exactly how I did that, but I was having enough problems trying to figure out how to fix my own friendship with him without having to deal with hers as well.  
  
Skidding around the corner, I ducked past Wu Fei and Sally only to come face to face with Heero, almost knocking him to the ground. My stomach jolted as he grabbed my shoulder to steady me and I quickly regained my footing, flashing him a grin. He seemed to freeze for a second, then he nervously pushed me away and turned to continue walking up the hall.  
  
I slowly sank against the cupboard beside me and lowered my eyes so I didn't have to watch him leave, then I carefully opened the door and slipped inside the tiny space, hoping no one would miss me and I could sulk in peace.  
  
I wasn't stupid. I knew it'd never go back to how it was before despite the fact we'd tried damn hard to do so last night. It's just, pretending the problem doesn't exist never made it go any away faster and I was afraid Heero wasn't willing to put in the effort to fix it even though it was entirely my fault. I didn't want him to ignore it. I didn't want him to give up on me. I didn't want him walk away.   
  
I wanted....him.  
  
I just wasn't sure he if he was willing to deal with that.  
  
Images from the night before began parading around my head trying to convince me that he would forgive me eventually. Unfortunately they tried to back up their argument with the part where Heero's weight was pressing me into the floor, his fingers were curled amongst the hair around my ear and his face was mere inches from my nose bearing that slightly baffled expression he'd had seconds before he'd realised his fucking best friend was about to kiss him.  
  
I moaned against the woodwork wondering just how long I'd been ignoring myself for, but my mourning was cut short as a very distinctive pair of shoes broke the silence of the corridor and came to a standstill directly outside my little retreat.  
  
Relena. Damnit.  
  
"Heerooooo, how are you?"   
  
I cursed whoever made the decision to confine sticky tape storage to the classrooms and was about to inform her that Heero wasn't in this cupboard and she might like to try somewhere on the second floor, when the door was suddenly ripped open and someone else was shoved inside, slamming me against the back shelves.  
  
I squawked as a knee hit me in the crotch and the sensation of having my belly button ripped out my spine as my gonads retreated into my abdomen successfully confined my thinking capabilities to that specific area between my legs.  
  
"Right you two." Relena's voice was muffled by the door, "I believe you have something to discuss."  
  
As I attempted to get a hand between us to cradle my poor, abused genitalia, I was vaguely aware of Heero struggling to keep me standing. One hand clutched the shirt beneath my arm, the other held me against his chest as he muttered apologies interchanged with profanities concerning bloody interfering mindless females.  
  
I buried my nose in his neck and groaned loudly, slinging one arm around his waist for support and digging my fingers into his back.   
  
Oh man Relena. You sure know how to make a guy pay for his mistakes. I stifled a whimper and groaned some more.  
  
Heero suddenly turned very still and the muscles of his neck moved against my face as he swallowed and shifted away from me slightly. It took me a few extra seconds to think through pain and figure out what was going on, then the realization hit me.  
  
Without thinking, I shoved myself away from him.  
  
"Sorry Heero, just....sorry....I wasn't...I'm not...." I buried my face in my hands and pressed myself back into the shelves holding my breath. God, I was so stupid. How could I do that to him? Was I trying to drive him off? Was I trying to get the crap beaten out of me? I cringed into the corner just wondering how angry he'd be.  
  
From what I remember of the party, he'd definitely done his nut. All I had from then were images of him yelling, his blue eyes flashing as he shouted and pushed me away. But if last night was anything to go on, maybe he wouldn't take it that bad. I mean, he appeared to have been trying to ignore it a moment ago, maybe if he knew I didn't mean it.....if I just explained....  
  
Effing.....  
  
Why couldn't everything just go back to normal? Why couldn't he just forget? Did every single bloody innocent moment from now on need to be treated with suspicion?   
  
Would I have to explain it every single time?  
  
Letting my hands drop away from my face, I suddenly noticed that he was watching me. I looked up, catching only a glimpse of his wide blue eyes staring straight at me, before he quickly turned away, fiddling with the edge of his shirt.  
  
I tried not to let the rejection hurt and summoned a slight wisp of courage to try and say what I wanted to say. If I wanted to keep him as a friend, as a good friend, I couldn't let him think I was trying for something every time I touched him, and since we were forcibly trapped in a cupboard and all, at least he wouldn't be able to get away until I'd finished.  
  
"Heero I...."  
  
"It's ok." I looked at him in surprise. There didn't appear to be anything wrong, but his voice....it sounded like he was....I looked closer, peering at him in the dim light and he twisted his head away further under my scrutiny, causing the light leaking through the gaps around the door to flash brightly off his eyes.  
  
I pulled back in amazement. What on earth was he so upset for?   
  
Reacting instinctively, I reached out to comfort him but I realised my mistake when he drew away from me and I quickly retreated back to my side of the cupboard.  
  
I hated seeing him hurt. It made it particularly heart wrenching this time because he was actually having difficulty hiding it. Heero Yuy does not show pain. Heero Yuy does not allow people to see any form of weakness.  
  
At this very moment Heero Yuy was battling with something. He was obviously in pain, and he was showing it despite his best efforts.  
  
I was his best friend dammit. He had to let me in.  
  
I reached out, only to have my wrist caught in his hand. "Don't fucking touch me!!" he hissed, throwing my arm back at me, an expression of loathing curling across his face. He shuddered and looked for a second as if he was going to be sick. "Open the door Relena!"  
  
I couldn't believe it.  
  
A "No." came from the outside the cupboard.  
  
"Open it!!"  
  
"No."  
  
How could he?   
  
"Yes!"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
It was like everything meant nothing.   
  
"NO!"  
  
He could support Quatre and Trowa. He had no problem with them, but he turns away from his best friend?   
  
"YES!"  
  
What kind of...? Who would...?  
  
There was no way I going to take that. How dare he.   
  
I grabbed his arm to get his attention and make him look at me instead of yelling at Relena only to have him slam his fist into stomach and push me away again.  
  
"What the Hell is your problem, Yuy?" I tried to yell it but all that came out of me was a choked whisper so I punctuated it by shoving him against the cupboard door instead.  
  
The ferocity with which he turned on me nearly made me cower. He grabbed both my shoulders, holding me against the shelves and got right in my face.  
  
"You are!" He hissed furiously. "You say things you don't mean. You do things. You goad me." He shook his head as if he couldn't find the words to say what it was he meant. "What am I to you? Some joke?" His voice actually cracked as he shoved himself away from me, hanging his head as he leant back against the door. He choked suddenly giving a weird sort of sob as he ran his fingers over his face.  
  
"I'm sorry." I whispered, the anger suddenly lost as I tried to figure out what the hell was going on. How could this affect him so badly? It wasn't as if I was actually trying to crack onto him. I didn't understand. I thought I was the one who was supposed to be feeling upset and rejected. Yet he was choking up and acting as if he was the one suffering because of it. "I can't help it." I offered quietly.  
  
He lifted one hand to cover his face, rubbing his eyes and moaning slightly. The despair suddenly evident in his voice made my chest constrict and I was horrified to find tears springing into my eyes.  
  
"But you can."  
  
I yelled at him.  
  
"What the Hell do you want me to do Yuy? Not be me? Not be....?" Shit, I couldn't even say the word. "I was fricken drunk for chrissake. I haven't even got a bloody clue what I did. I don't know why you suddenly don't want me near you. I don't know why your so friggen upset. You're worse than a yo yo with your friggen emotions. Can't you just accept facts and get over yourself? You can't really keep blaming me for something without telling me what the hell I did. Can't..."  
  
"You want to know what you did?" He looked up at me with a pained sort of amusement. "You basically tore my heart out. It's not enough that I....I'm..." he shook his head looking up at me incredulously. "You're my best friend Duo, I thought you'd....you'd at least....but you...." He threaded his fingers into his hair and I swear to Shinigami that he let out a small whine.  
  
"At least what Heero?" My anger was waning again at seeing him so distraught. "I'm not about to chase you like Relena. What do you want me to do?"  
  
"Oh fuck it Duo. I just want you to understand."  
  
"Understand WHAT?" Bloody hell. "What it's like for you to have your gay best friend crack onto you?" That's real rich.   
  
I turned away as my eyes began prickling and I blinked furiously to prevent any of the excess water building up in my eyes from dribbling down my cheeks. So that was it. Life was all about him.  
  
"You kissed Hilde." What was that supposed to be? Some sort of last ditch effort to convince me not to be gay.  
  
"I was drunk as. You've got to expect mistakes like that when you consume excess amounts of alcohol." I could feel the liquid running down the inside of my nose and I tipped my head back a little, looking up at the ceiling so I didn't have to sniffle. That was the last thing I needed. To let Heero Yuy know I was about to cry. "Look man, if you can't stand the fact that I'm gay and in love with you, if you don't want to bother with me, I'll get over it, ok. Maybe I'd just better leave until I do."  
  
That did it. The thought of not having Heero there at all was worse than the way I'd felt having him with Relena. My eyes ached from trying to hold the tears back, but my efforts turned out to be in vain as they escaped anyway, trickling down my cheeks.  
  
I closed my eyes and decided sniffling was better than wiping my nose across my sleeve. I wished there was enough room for my to squat down and curl into a ball so I didn't have to break down with Heero watching me, but he wasn't going anywhere so I'd just have to deal with it and suppress it as much as possible.  
  
Bloody Heero.  
  
I jerked backwards, attempting to push him away as I felt him grip the front of my shirt with one hand, but he wrapped his other arm around my shoulder and pulled me against his chest, resting his chin against my neck.   
  
What the hell did he think he was doing?  
  
I struggled to get away but he slid his hand round my waist and held me tighter, not loosening his grip until I stopped moving and made some semblance of hugging him back.  
  
Why did he have to go and do that?  
  
I didn't want him to hold me. I didn't want him to comfort me. I just wanted him to....disappear. Maybe then I wouldn't feel so bad.  
  
"I told you last night Duo," his low voice vibrated through my chest and I turned my head trying to see his face. "You mean a lot to me and...."  
  
I sighed, letting my eyes trail down the back of his neck as I finally decided I may as well relax and embrace him while he tried to actually say what he wanted to say. It felt so good to be so close to him. To have his warm arms wrapped around me and feel him breathing. To have his smell surrounding me even if that particular perquisite was slightly marred by the smell of old glue. I could at least take advantage of the situation while it was available even if it was going to make it twice as hard to get him out of my mind in the long run.  
  
"I don't want you to go away because...I...Duo I..."  
  
"Yeah, well, situations change. Look at the way you're treating Relena at the moment, yet on Saturday you were shagging her."  
  
I suddenly realised it might be a bad idea to broach that topic whilst in close quarters, very close quarters, with Heero, as I felt his arms stiffen around me and his head jerk up. I didn't get much of a chance to think about it though as there was a scramble outside the cupboard, an incredulously shouted "Onna!" then the door was ripped open and we were falling for all of two seconds before it was slammed shut again, the harsh light having imprinted the image of a very incredulous and bright red Relena onto my retinas.  
  
"I did NOT have sex with Heero!!" She yelled indignantly, her voice slightly muffled because of the wood re-separating us. "I've been trying, for a whole blasted week, to...." She trailed off to furiously mutter something to whoever else was out there with her and I took the moment to lean back and look at Heero in confusion.  
  
"You didn't?"  
  
He looked at me as if I were batty. "No!"  
  
Lost for words, I blurted out the first thing that traipsed across my mind. "Are you sure?" How dumb. The only way he wouldn't be sure would be if he were drunk and he definitely wasn't that far gone when Relena dragged him off down the hall. It takes more than a couple of bears to shake Heero's perfect memory askew.  
  
He frowned at me for a second before his face fell into an evil smirk and he pulled me close again looking me directly in the eyes. "Very." He whispered, his intense gaze traveling down my nose, over my cheeks, and across my lips before his eyes rose to meet mine again. He opened his mouth as if to say something, but then he glanced away and rested his mouth against my shoulder instead.  
  
I didn't know what was up with him. First he'd been trying to keep me as far away as was humanely possible whilst in a tiny school supply cupboard. Now he was holding me as if there was no bloody way in hell he was going to let me go.  
  
It was getting to be too much for my poor little brain, but most of the information I needed to sort this entire thing out seemed to be contained in that short space of time occupied by that thrice damned party.  
  
He said he didn't want me to leave, but he'd left me. I needed to know why. Did I somehow come to the same conclusion that had so completely floored me last night and decide telling him was a good idea? Did I tell him in a way that wasn't quite appropriate, like...I don't know, groping him or kissing him? If I did, bugger, I missed it.   
  
Why dammit?  
  
"Why didn't you take me home on Saturday night?" I cleared my throat, trying to get my voice back to normal and gain some semblance of control over myself.  
  
I could feel his hand begin tracing small circles over my lower back as he took a deep breath and drew back a little to look at me. "I thought you hated me."  
  
How in the bloody blazes....  
  
"Why on Earth would you think that?!" I asked incredulously.  
  
He gave a short snort and glanced at me out the corner of his eye. "You told me to go fuck Relena. I thought that was pretty plain speaking after...."  
  
I waited for him to say something more, but he looked away again biting his lip and looking for all the world as if he were trying not to grin. "What's the deal, I've told you that before." Maybe not quite so directly, but still.  
  
I gave him a small nudge and his features settled into a frown before he looked at me again his eyes glittering mischievously. "Yes, but it's not everyday that you confess your love for someone in the middle of a crowded lounge room."  
  
"What?" I gripped his shirt in my hands and stared at him, startled. What was he saying? He didn't mean....? Did he? He wasn't saying...  
  
The corner of his mouth twitched in a tiny smirk as he drew closer, resting his lips lightly against my cheek before dragging them across the side of my face until his warm, moist breath was rushing against the side of my neck and playing with my hair.  
  
I shivered as he whispered the words directly into my ear. "I'm gay, Duo, and I love you." 


End file.
